Thank you, Hardcore.

Hardcore has made me overcome my fear
to speak in public,
to sing in public,
to scream in public,
to wear like a mexican gangsta in public,
to dance in public,
to share personal thoughts in public,
to help the public,
to voice out.

Hardcore has taught me
to value DIY arts,
to value friendship,
to value my life,
to build muscle,
to be a good speaker,
to understand every bits of words,
to be a good collector,
to be a petter person,
to live,
to accept human,
to understand sub-cultures,
to move on.

Hardcore has made me
involved with humanitarian activities; Makanan Bukan Periuk Api, Kolektif Sarata
an art designer; i-scrrream shoes, Skramzart
being a song writer, a vocalist; OV8HC
being a writer and poet; Zine Bebas Cukai, Jiwa Seorang Loser (so far)
involved with street demos; The Black Block of Punk & Skinhead se-Malaysia (BERSIH)

Through hardcore, friendship has expanded. USA, France, Italy, Indonesia, there is no gap.
Through hardcore, there is a term; a family. Neither wall nor barrier, the bond will remains.

An End

When I stare... and stare... and stare...
Hoping to reach the immortals,
Hoping to earn the honest proverbs,
Hoping myself to resurrect the waves.

All the motions, the lights,
I stare and I stare again...
To bits, the eyes of explorer,
by frames,
the odd syndromes... flow by one heart,

nerves,
in all circuits.

And there will be wind...
echoes frighting the lanterns,
the curse of devilish children.

Through blood and tears,
darling,
Our hope...has reached an end.

The Beddio, 0000.

Belakang-belakang, dan bawah.

I don't always agreed with those people who changed drastically. Sometimes I totally not. Like hey, you left thousand men behind for a woman upfront. What the fuck was that for ? It's your right to be who you are, what you do. But don't you care about other's feeling ? It really hurts inside.

To what extent that you suddenly want to leave us behind. Was that is what you called as moving on ? Fuck you that is betraying friendship. Yes, the phrase "Move forward, never look back". Hey, I have a totally different principle. The phrase I quoted that you just read has mad millions of people to be more greed and being thirst of negative progression. You received, you were, maybe gifted for a new ability or an idea. You surf the right flow. It's all right. But when it came to not looking back, where the hell you gonna place all these people that wasted their tears and sweats on you ? Store room ? So that when you're in need of these people you may reach them ? In a garbage dump ? Because you have tons of more talented partners ?

Bullshit.

Look behind for a bit. Look how we are doing. Care about us. We are all happy for what you are and all your achievement. For all the motivations and advices, look at you now, dear man. But we never came forward with words that spiritually allow you to simply go.

I dedicate this short article to all my friends. Please,
And in accordance with that, still call you friend because you're a friend, friend. I love you.

Just I feel like it

dapat jugak lah aku merasa, haha ! Band is doing well, now working hard on recording hope sempat release material before raya. Stay tune and love Paan Rajuli!

yesterday. and i wasn't there. fuck.

Kalau Tuhan cakap Ya, inshallah. Disember. Siap ditaja lagi tu yang tak tahan tu.

Pukimak.

Satu dua tiga empat lima enam tujuh lapan sembilan sepuluh fuck you.

Sebab kau memang (refer tajuk atas)

life aku dengan study, band, label.

pagi aku dengan kopi dan rokok.

petang aku dengan tidur dan rokok.

malam aku dengan buku dan rokok.

siang weekend, majlis-majlis seni.
malam aku berjimba. 

Rutin harian macam biasa, aku dah tak mau rasa apa-apa. Sebab rasa hanya akan tinggal rasa. Buat apa. 

Perasaan ni, aku harap kau pergi mampos cepat-cepat. Aku taknak sober dengan harapan. Berambuslah pukimak. Cinta setia kini cuma tiga. Yang paling khusyuk, Yang paling sederhana, Yang penuh dengan nafsu, Yang hari-hari aku rogol; buku, kopi dan rokok.

But darling, they don't breath...

Sebab aku taknak cerita dekat pintu bilik aku

Kadang-kadang aku rasa macam nak lari dari hidup. Sial lah, ayat tipikal sangat. Okay tak, aku tau engkau yang terbaca slot ni sebab aku tweet aku akan mula mengata-ngata dalam hati. Bicaralah engkau dengan hati itu sampai kiamat aku tak akan bersetubuh dengan kutukan, langsung!

Back, aku memang susah nak tulis satu-satu artikel. Aku akan cari mood paling sial sekali untuk tulis artikel yang sial-sial. Macam sekarang, aku rasa, diri aku ni loser. Yes, compared to the others, I am. Secara tak sengaja, aku juga salah seorang penulis untuk Zine Jiwa Seorang Loser...KAH! 

Aku rasa loser sebab, selalu lambat untuk bertindak. Aku nak touch tentang aku, dan dia, dia, dia, dia dan yes, empat dia mungkin tak baca dah blog aku, tapi yes it's you... If you're reading this. Well, I hope you do. Aku selalu terlepas untuk move on, nombor 1. Aku masih sangkut mungkin hanya a little piece of it (fuck manglish) but yes, I was always too late to start an action. I always hold something till that in the end, I'll hear something like "Hey, Farhan, I think that I'm not ready for....."... and the rest of shits that a kind of it. In 6 years, it happened three times where, practically I am officially in the friend zone... and the rest it's either aku yang play fool dengan cinta diorang or aku yang break up sebab.. haha. okay, let's leave those alone.

Sometimes, tak tahu lah. Aku susah nak luahkan isi hati aku sebab, tah. Bila aku betul-betul ada hati dekat someone, and betul-betul rasa that there will be my greatest star collusion, makin kuat perasaan tu makin kaku aku. I can't even leave a strong sign, I always hope that she'll notice. Yeah, hope. Fucking loser code, right. I do stares, often attached, but that's all. I don't know what's happening I'm sorry. But when it came to a normal picking ups, I won't have such problems. Just like, easily come and talk to the lady, like hey and hye you like that oh yes I do I've been listening since yedayedayeda and there will be no problem for communication nor sharing contents. It's like hey, I'm satisfied let's dumb her and look for another kind.

like that.

But that remains history,  right now, right where the heart blows the cells to the whole physical universe of system, there is someone that I... love, personally. Love, yes it's just me and myself. You may be shocked if you know it's you. But I hope you do. Since the day (some random day that I started to learn you) I started to hate bus airconds. Kadang-kadang, aku akau genggam erat penumbok aku, kadang-kadang aku bermain jari, kadang-kadang aku gigit-gigit gigi. Bila aku start dengan perangai tu, kau tahu hati aku tengah membuak-buak. Kau akan nampak mata kuyu aku...

Tapi aku masih bernasib malang, bila aku tak buat sesuatu & kekal dengan prinsip penakot. Kau mungkin, takkan notice aku, kau mungkin, satu hari nanti "Hey paan I've new...." dan jatuh beberapa minit lepas kau blah, mungkin, sebab otak aku ni kadang-kadang buffering, the day be as dark as satan's cock. 

Sebab in the end, you'll marry someone else.

dah la, malas. faham-faham la. haha. mengantuk sial. bye.